Everything’s Okay, So Now It’s Funny

I have an “everything’s okay, so now it’s funny,” kind of story to tell.

But before I tell you that, I have to tell you a prerequisite detail, which also happens to be an “everything’s okay, so now it’s funny” detail. This is a things-have-turned-out-alright, Russian doll situation, if you will.

So here’s the prerequisite detail:
Donald J. Trump gave me a hamstring injury.

Yep. All the way from Pennsylvania Avenue.

There have been many cascading concerns for people in our country, and I’ve been aware and keeping an eye on these. Though I am telling you a humorous set of details, these are no laughing matter. I just want to give us some comic relief.

The day I was most stressed personally was a couple of Tuesdays ago when we were on a countdown waiting for federal loans and grants to freeze. That day, all my leg muscles majorly tensed up. A day or so later, everything got better except a hamstring muscle. I must have strained it on that day. And it hurt!

That’s the prerequisite detail. And that pain lasted for about a week. Ouch.

I already had a doctor’s appointment lined up, so I told the PA about this. She prescribed me a topical gel for pain, and I was thankful for that. This gel is typically prescribed for people who have arthritis, but for me, it would aid my Presidential Pain Predicament.

So now we have reached the larger “everything’s okay, so now it’s funny” story.

Over the weekend, I was getting ready to meet with some friends. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I grabbed the tube of toothpaste, applied said toothpaste, and started brushing my teeth with generous circles. It didn’t take long for me to notice, though I had definitely shmooshed some serious gel in my mouth. I STARTED BRUSHING MY TEETH WITH ARTHRITIC TOOTHPASTE, i.e. not at all toothpaste, but pain gel for a hamstring injury caused by the resident of Pennsylvania Avenue.

I spit it out of my mouth and rinsed thoroughly. It also tasted terrible. To my defense, that tube is very toothpaste-shaped, and the gel is even very toothpaste white. But it smelled like adhesive and didn’t taste so good.

So why was I late to meet with my friends?

I had to call poison control. And they told me I was alright.

I wasn’t very late. I just… had a wild story to tell.

And now I’ve told you, too.

— Renee Roederer