“Give Me Instead”-ers

A dear friend recently gathered a treasured circle of people in her home to honor the birthday of a loved one who has passed. Most of us were meeting for the first time, and we were honored to connect with one another. During our time together, my friend read a blessing by Jan Richardson that speaks the gut-wrenching truth of what grief feels like. It also recounts how clichés can wound a person during times of loss.

My friend read the entire blessing, but before she began, she shared one line: “Give me instead.” Addressing those gathered, she said, “Thanks for being ‘Give me instead’-ers.” That line, along with the blessing, will stay with me for a long time. I’d like to share it today:

The Blessing You Should Not Tell Me

Do not tell me

There will be a blessing

In the breaking,

That it will ever

Be a grace

To wake into this life

So altered,

This world

So without.

Do not tell me

Of the blessing

That will come

In the absence.

Do not tell me

That what does not

Kill me

Will make me strong

Or that God will not

Send me more than I

Can bear.

Do not tell me

This will make me more compassionate,

More loving,

More holy.

Do not tell me

This will make me

More grateful for what

I had.

Do not tell me

I was lucky.

Do not even tell me

There will be a blessing.

Give me instead

The blessing

Of breathing with me.

Give me instead

The blessing

Of sitting with me

When you cannot think

Of what to say.

— Jan Richardson

May we strive to be “Give me instead”-ers.