Smuggling Grace

@brittanyfinkelstein

If part of how you measure your self-worth and your identity depends on your exhaustion, you will always struggle to rest. #workburnout #burnout #perfectionism

♬ original sound – Brit • Work Stress Coach 🧟→🌟

As we’ve been moving through forms of upheaval, including a global pandemic, this is an important time to learn about trauma and the responses that our nervous systems often take in response. When we’re feeling overwhelmed, we can move into states of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. We might also vacillate between a couple of these.

In addition to these becoming activated due to present circumstances,

— some people have endured past traumas as well, and these can become reactivated in our nervous systems in these ways,

and/or

— some people have lived with dysregulated nervous systems throughout much their lives, not necessarily remembering large, traumatic events in childhood, but rather, growing up in households that felt stressful and overwhelming in a generalized way. In these households, it was difficult to have needs cared for and nurtured, or caregivers may have also had dysregulated nervous systems, making it difficult to co-regulate alongside them.

In both of these instances, people may live with symptoms of PTSD or CPTSD (the C stands for complex and means that the traumatic events or environment was long-lasting).

In a moment, I’m going to list symptoms of the 4F pathways of trauma. You may recognize some of these in yourself or your loved ones. Please know that these don’t have to remain stuck or static in the body, and we don’t have to stay stuck or static in these patterns. There is help. Therapy certainly helps, and it’s okay to seek that help. In fact, it can be transformative. There are a variety of somatic therapies that help to heal our bodies and these patterns. (As just one example, I’m a big cheerleader for EMDR. Check it out.)

These are the 4Fs of trauma and PTSD. Which pathways tend to be primary for you? I am typing out the text of the image above.

Fight

• Self-preservation at all costs
• Explosive temper and outbursts
• Aggressive, angry behavior
• Controls others
• Bully
• Can’t ‘hear’ other points of view
• A pronounced sense of entitlement
• Demands perfection from others
• Dictatorial tendencies

Typically mis-labelled as
– Narcissist
– Sociopath
– Conduct disorder

Flight

• Obsessive and/or compulsive behavior
• Feelings of panic and anxiety
• Rushing around
• Over-worrying
• Workaholic
• Can’t sit still, can’t relax
• Tries to micromanage situations and other people
• Always ‘on the go;’ busy doing things
• Wants things to be perfect
• Over-achiever

Typically mis-labelled as
– OCD
– Bipolar
– ADHD
– Panic disorder
– Mood Disorder

Freeze

• Spacing out
• Feeling unreal
• Hibernating
• Isolating self from the outside world
• Couch potato
• Dissociates
• Brain Fog
• Difficulties making decisions, acting on decisions
• Achievement-phobic
• Wants to hide from the world
• Feels ‘dead,’ lifeless

Typically mis-labelled as
– Clinical depression
– Schizophrenia
– ADD
– OCD

Fawn

• People pleasing
• Scared to say what they really think
• Talks about ‘the other’ instead of themselves
• Flatters others (to avoid conflict)
• ‘Angel of mercy’
• Over-caring
• Sucker
• Can’t stand up for the self, say ‘no’
• Easily exploited by others
• Hugely concerned with social standing and acceptance, ‘fitting in’
• ‘Yes’ man (or woman…)

Typically mis-labelled as
– Codependent
– ‘Victim’

Do you recognize these patterns in yourself or your loved ones? They are natural and do truly discharge traumatic energy. Our bodies have them because we need them at times. But we don’t want to become stuck in them. That causes larger problems for us. These patterns may spin out, causing us pain, and impacting our relationships.

But we can heal these patterns, and we can do the work of healing the systems that cause so much trauma in the first place. I love how the word ‘heal’ is both passive and active at once. We receive healing and cultivate it over time, and we can act as healers for a world with less trauma.

—Renee Roederer

-Photos by Renee Roederer

I’ve written about this before, but I often think about this phase and organizing vision I learned from adrienne maree brown: Don’t live/serve/act/organize in a way that is a “mile wide and an inch deep.” Let your work and vision be “an inch wide and a mile deep.”

When we think about our sense of calling and purpose, we don’t have to do or be all things. (Also, we can’t). But if we go deep with one vision or a few interconnected visions, we can build communities with great depth.

And then if we take that further, we might also ponder this:
If a community is formed and organized for one thing, they’ll also be organized for more things.

These days, in my role as Community Care Director for the Epilepsy Foundation of Michigan, I’m going deep with the epilepsy community in Michigan. If they can become more interconnected and organized around this aspect of their lives and its needs, won’t they also be organized for other things too? Ways of adding care when it comes to food, housing, and safety? Ways of adding encouragement around their relationships? Ways of making larger meaning in this era of time? Ways of addressing systemic inequalities? Ways of saying no to injustice? Ways of caring intentionally for one another’s multifaceted needs?

If a community is formed and organized for one thing, they’ll also be organized for more things.

–Renee Roederer

That tiny thing you’re great at. . . is a big deal. Really. When shared with others purposefully and resourcefully, it catalyzes change. So what is it?

– Do you have an ability that seems tiny only because it comes so naturally to you?

– Do you engage with it regularly to the point that it doesn’t seem like a real gift?

– Do you forget to marvel at it because it seems so routine or easy?

Well, that’s a gift you need to put into the world. Purposefully.

That’s a gift that seeks greater expression in your community, neighborhood, nation, and world.

These days, when we see the great needs and concerns around us, or when we find ourselves anxious needs and concerns to come, we can become absolutely overwhelmed. Our meager work and purposeful sharing can seem. . . well, tiny. It may feel that way, but. . .

That tiny thing? Do not underestimate what it can do.

– When placed strategically with the gifts of others, it can become organized change. What resources can you bring uniquely — money, connections, abilities? Some of which come so naturally to you? Do all you can to make those things fit with the leadership and commitment of others. Look purposefully for where they can be placed alongside the great work that is already happening. Your tiny gift will easily multiply.

That tiny thing? Do not underestimate what it can do.

– When launched into the world with intention, that tiny thing may add a level of care that increases relational safety. Even if only for a moment, it matters. In this current climate, I find that many people are exhausted, anxious, or feeling isolated in one way or another. Your tiny thing in a tiny moment may serve as a reminder of human worth and connection. It may provide a needed boost which encourages others to put their gifts into the world too.

So what is it? What is that tiny thing?

In actuality, it might not be so tiny.

–Renee Roederer

Would you please join me and my community in lifting up my colleague and friend, Dr. Hussam Shaker?

This level of grief is so hard to fathom:

Dr. Hussam is an epileptologist and the chair of neurology at Mercy Health in Grand Rapids, Michigan. And he lost 20 family members in the earthquakes in Turkey and Syria… Such deep and all-encompassing grief… And after the earthquakes two weeks ago, another 6.3-magnitude earthquake rocked the very same region yesterday. Many people have lost whole families, and of course, their homes and resources.

This news story shares about Dr. Shaker, and these losses, and it encourages us to give to relief efforts. Would you consider giving a donation to the White Helmets who are doing this work?

To give: https://www.whitehelmets.org/en/

Thank you. So much pain in our world, and so much need for care.

–Renee Roederer

Wealth is not synonymous with worth.

Likewise,

Productivity is not synonymous with worth.

Productivity has never been the full measure of our lives, nor what it means to be human. But I think it’s quite possible to internalize the opposite.

Our culture conveys that productivity is the highest good, yet if we chase after it — I don’t merely mean working well in a meaningful way, but if we chase after it– we are rarely satisfied.

When it becomes the totality of our time or our self-understanding, we soon find that it is chasing us. In this mindset, no matter how much time we put into our labor, it is never enough.

It’s easy to internalize cultural beliefs around productivity. Yet truly, productivity is not synonymous with worth.

We do not need to reach a certain benchmark to be worthy of love, care, and belonging. We do not need an enormous salary to convey that we matter.

Yet as human beings, we need wholeness and fullness. Sometimes, this means that we need different experiences — rest, renewal, rejuvenation. Sometimes, this means that we need different parts of our brain to be active — the creative, the playful, the intuitive. These add to our own lives, and they also add to our communities.

Productivity is neither worth nor fullness.

We can choose peace over productivity.

In fact, there may be a number of situations and contexts where we need to hear such freedom.

We really can choose peace over productivity.

We have constructed our culture in such a way to value productivity above much else — including our own wellbeing and the wellbeing of our neighbors.

When we are hurting, or when something in the news cycle hits close to home, how often do internalized messages bubble up to the surface, conveying. . . ?

“Come on. Get on with it.”

“This isn’t as bad as what ________ experienced. Why can’t I get anything done?”

“I don’t have time to think about this. I have so much to do.”

“Look competent.”

“Get it together.”

These are self-critical messages in contexts where our productivity and our constructed image are viewed more highly than our true selves and our need for wholeness.

Well, guess what matters more?

You — the real you — and your wholeness.

We can choose peace over productivity.

So what space do you need today?

– Renee Roederer

-Photos by Renee Roederer

I’m a musician, and these days, I find a particular musical technique to be a helpful metaphor for personal and community sustainability. I want to offer a quote from Michael Moore about this:

“This morning I have been pondering a nearly forgotten lesson I learned in high school music. Sometimes in band or choir, music requires players or singers to hold a note longer than they actually can hold a note. In those cases, we were taught to mindfully stagger when we took a breath so the sound appeared uninterrupted. Everyone got to breathe, and the music stayed strong and vibrant… [In] “protest fatigue” – we will literally lose our will to continue the fight in the face of the onslaught of negative action. Let’s remember MUSIC. Take a breath. The rest of the chorus will sing. The rest of the band will play. Rejoin so others can breathe. Together, we can sustain a very long, beautiful song for a very, very long time. You don’t have to do it all, but you must add your voice to the song. With special love to all the musicians and music teachers in my life.”

We go through rhythms of action, rest, play, showing up, taking space away, living in solidarity, honoring the Sabbath… practicing presence with one another and our own bodies and minds, we rest within and act upon deepest values that undergird our lives.

We all take turns.
Our rest is beneficial for our community.
Our action is beneficial for our community.

–Renee Roederer