Smuggling Grace

We internalize voices of people —
people near, people far,
people recent, people long past,
people who affirmed, people who criticized.

Sometimes, we carry these voices around for a long time.

Who is telling you about you recently? In your own mind, whose voices are chiming up? If we could see a pie chart, what percentage of time and space do those voices take up in our thinking? In our processing? In our feelings? In our beliefs about what is possible?

This may be something to consider, because I know that in many cases, we privilege the most cynical voices.

Maybe we need to turn this completely in the opposite direction. How can we privilege the voices of those who gave affirmation? Those who challenged us because they believed in us? Those who opened up our perspectives on the world? Those who helped us find a calling larger than ourselves? Those who loved us no matter what? Those who created space for us to be ourselves – including opportunities to try things and fail, and get back up again?

Though we are each one person, we are made of these many parts. As we negotiate these, in a real sense, we are in relationship with ourselves. So how do we integrate the best voices into our own internal voice?

It’s good to give these more airtime.

– Renee Roederer

I’d like to share something that I desire:

I want a new ecosystem of invitations — that is, a renewed flow of people inviting each other to do things. I need this. Maybe you do too.

We’re in this strange in-between place, aren’t we? We’re still in a pandemic, yet beyond the phase of lockdown. We’re beginning to connect again and establish new routines, but we’re also experiencing fatigue and a variety of physical, emotional, and social reactions that convey, “What on earth did we just go through?”

On the other side, we can be more social, but many of us have crossed that threshold to find ourselves precisely in a state of limited energy. And if we want to rev up our social life again — perhaps from nearly 0 to a more typical 60 — THAT takes energy. Some of us need connection to re-energize, but it takes energy to initiate that connection, especially if you’re starting anew.

Are you feeling this too?

I plan to invite people to do things. Meals, coffee, walks, time in parks, time playing games, and times going to fun events.

-And –

I’m deliberately encouraging people to invite me to do things. Meals, coffee, walks, time in parks, time playing games, and times going to fun events.

I am ready to build a new ecosystem of invitations together.

–Renee Roederer

Hot air balloons spell out the word “Joy” in the sky; Public domain image.

I was on a Zoom call when quite spontaneously, every single person on the call gave each other a heartfelt complement of what they most notice in each other. It all started with someone expressing a vulnerability, and another person adding encouragement — not only a sense of, “you can do it,” but “you can do it because this is who you are and how we experience you.”

Then somehow, that snowballed in a lovely, spontaneous way. The rest of the call, perhaps the last twenty minutes, became a collective opportunity for all participants to affirm every member. The facilitators couldn’t have planned this if we tried. It just happened, and it felt like joy.

Life is too short, and we’ve gone through too many things even just this year, to let those meaningful affirmations go unnoticed and unvoiced. Let’s share them.

–Renee Roederer

One of the dearest toddlers in my life has sent me a voice recording to say goodnight for the last 12 days in a row. How lucky am I?

Sometimes we get to participate in joyful rituals with others – the kinds that we come to expect, at least for a period of time, and yet they are received as a total gift every single time.

–Renee Roederer

Last night, I asked a simple question on Facebook, and it turned into a special experience of sharing together. I asked, “Would you share with us a joy-filled picture you’ve taken in the last month?”

As of a few minutes ago, this post has 141 comments with visual snapshots of joy in people’s lives. This reminded me that people love to be connected and identified with the people and experiences they love.

What about you? What images are present on your phone, or perhaps, present in your memories from the last month? Maybe we should open that app and look again or simply visualize them in our minds.

–Renee Roederer

On the other side of lockdown and social isolation, I keep thinking this:

“I want to make memories.”

Life is too short not to be moving in the directions we desire. I don’t mean this solely in a morbid way, though indeed, life can be literally quite short. Primarily, I mean that life can be unpredictable, and some eras of time are disruptive. In such times, I hope we have enough social resources and inner resilience to be adaptive.

Yet even in those times, we might ask ourselves, “What is something I can look forward to today?” It might be a small gesture, comfort, or intentional act. It might get us through.

And when life is more smooth, why not choose to make memorable moments on purpose?

I like this poem from Mary Oliver. It’s entitled, “Don’t Hesitate.”

Don’t Hesitate by Mary Oliver

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, be very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.


Yes, joy is not made to be a crumb. So why not plan memorable moments purposefully? And enjoy them when they show up unexpectedly?

–Renee Roederer

At some point, likely already when we were very young, we began to internalize a cultural message that told us increasingly, “If you ask for what you need (or perhaps even reveal you have needs) you are burdensome.”

Where does this come from? If we reflect for a moment, it’s probably rare for us to believe people are burdensome when they share their needs with us. Why do so many people then fear being burdensome when expressing their own needs? Why does that fear come over us?

Even people with the most privileged identities fear this. For instance, how many men fear revealing their emotional needs and expressing them with others? And people with large financial needs or large health needs constantly have to navigate this landscape of internal fears.

So… if so many of us feel this way about ourselves… but not others… and those others don’t feel this way about us… Why are we living this way? Clearly, we do not have to live with these narratives. It is morally neutral to have needs. In fact, it is beautifully human.

So if no one has told you lately,

It’s okay to have the needs you have.
It’s okay to express them.
It’s okay to invite people around them.
It’s okay to make asks within them.

It’s okay to be a person with needs.
It’s okay to need.

–Renee Roederer

I had a chance to visit a lighthouse yesterday. I climbed to the top and thoroughly enjoyed the view of Lake Huron. It was a really gorgeous day, and the blue of the water and the blue of the sky seemed to amplify each other.

As I climbed to the top, the tour guide was funny, engaged, and clearly connected to this place. This was not because he had memorized lines to say, but because he clearly loved where he was and what he was doing. He was very grandfatherly, witty, and playful with the kids on the tour.

It’s lovely to see people connected to places they love, and it feels energizing for communities to connect around those places.

Whatever you do, and whatever you love, keep shining bright, friends.

–Renee Roederer

We sat at an outdoor table, ordered food from a QR code, and discussed what our lives were like during the long lockdown before vaccination. My vaccination was full at the beginning of May, only two months ago. Somehow, it seems much longer than that. My young friend had spent the year overseas on a Fulbright fellowship, and she was able to get her second dose just recently. It was lovely to reconnect, and it was clear that for both of us, our sense of time is still a bit muddled — how long ago did this happen? or this?

As we told our own stories of isolation, both the struggles and the valuable aspects of what we learned, we talked about a time that is still present in our bodies and a time that still has some present impacts. But we were also aware that this new era of time is so different and in ways we welcome.

We were dining together, after all. Midway through our dinner, we decided to taste each other’s cocktails. “We went from total lockdown to sipping each other’s drinks,” she said. It’s the small, routine things that bring this home.

A bit later, I looked up and saw a friend I have not seen in person in a long time. She was walking down the street and spotted me. Immediately we gave each other a big embrace, and then we started planning a time to get coffee or lunch together. “We just run into each other now! This is a thing again!” I exclaimed. It’s the small, routine things that bring this home.

We’ve come a long way.

–Renee Roederer

Do you know your attachment style?

Our attachment style — secure, anxious-preoccupied, fearful-avoidant, or dismissive-avoidant — has a big impact on our we perceive ourselves, the world, and our relationships. Each has its strengths, values, and triggers. And at any time, we can work to move our own attachment style toward security.

In order to do this, we have to be aware of our own patterns.

I’d like to introduce a Youtube Channel to you. I have learned so much from Thais Gibson, the creator of the Personal Development School. She shares videos daily on Youtube, and I find them to be so insightful.

So here’s the channel. I invite you to check it out.
Personal Development School with Thais Gibson

–Renee Roederer