Smuggling Grace

I don’t mean for this to seem like a commercial, but it is really great.

In times of high stress and collective trauma (we’ve lived a lot of that in the last… at least 8 years) sometimes older narratives of stress and trauma get pulled to the surface too. We might be aware that these are getting triggered. Or we might be less aware.

It’s helpful to bring these to awareness. As therapist Margaret Foley says, “If we have unprocessed material deep inside, we have two choices. We talk it out, or we act it out. We reenact what we have not resolved.”

These unresolved reenactments can become large narratives in our present-moment lives, but they are out of place and out of time. Or they might weave within our present-moment situations. Have you ever felt that your reaction to a present challenge is a bit oversized and disproportionate to the moment? Older stories and older emotions might be getting triggered too.

Within all of this, sometimes we look for people — close loved ones (frequent) or people of less personal significance (less risky) to play roles in our reenactments. We cast them as characters in the drama, and they serve as placeholders to hold these stories. They become containers to store our old emotions. But this can really harm relationships too.

Common containers include:

The role of the rescuer. We cast people as characters to save us. We want to be seen in our vulnerability (valid) but become dependent upon others for our feelings of safety. We externalize that need because we struggle to feel safe internally.

The role of the villain. We cast people in the character of scapegoat, attempting to funnel our pain into them and send them off. This is really an attempt to rid ourselves of our own anger and pain.

The role of the stand-in. We cast people into the character of a significant person in our lives. We begin to engage this person with the emotions we actually have for our mother, or father, or sister, or brother, or estranged friend, or person we miss, or person who wounded us.

I speak about all of this as a care-worker. I see this happening so frequently in this era of time. This comes from a natural place of wanting to heal pain, and it makes sense for this to happen after years of collective trauma. Of course, this would unearth old narratives. I also speak about this as person who lives in this era of time, witnessing and feeling my way through all of these things too. The challenge is, people aren’t asking to find themselves in the cast list of our internal storylines — unless, they themselves, are reenacting their own traumas by stepping into these roles too (that happens also!)

We can add care to others, but we aren’t rescuers.

We can make mistakes, but we aren’t villains.

We can care about the emotions people have for significant individuals in their lives, but we can’t become the stand-ins for those particular people.

This might bring some initial relief, but it also doesn’t work. We have to actually process the unprocessed material and storylines.

That’s the harder, but more life-giving work. Sending care to all of that.

–Renee Roederer

Check out some gorgeous, Cambrian rocks.

— Photos by Renee Roederer

My Mom called yesterday, and when I picked up the phone,

right after

“Hi, Mom,”
“Hi, Renee,”

She added,

“I want to tell you a joke.”

Already, I laughed. I wasn’t expecting that. We had just talked two days ago when she asked me excellent questions about my recent travels, and we texted yesterday about a kayaking trip I took down my local river.

“What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?”

“Ooh, I know this… I used to have it on a t-shirt… Irrelephant!”

“Oh, shoot,” she said, because she wanted to introduce this to me. I reassured her that this was completely delightful. She thought I was talking about the joke. But I knew I was talking about the call.

— Renee Roederer

Recently, two concepts resurfaced in my mind, ideas I hadn’t revisited in years. They originally came from a book* I read long ago, and I’ve always found them to be a useful way to think about responsibility.

When we talk about responsibility, it’s important to distinguish between being responsible for something and being responsible toward something.

We often find ourselves feeling responsible for things that aren’t really ours to carry. We take on other people’s emotions, believing it’s our job to “fix” them. If someone is in a bad mood, we assume it’s our fault. We end up taking responsibility for things beyond our control.

But the truth is, we’re not responsible for these external factors. What we are responsible for are our own actions and emotions. And naturally, we can respond to others’ needs with compassion and care.

When it comes to responding, it’s more helpful to think in terms of being responsible toward others. We have a duty to live out our values and strive to be our best selves, directing these efforts toward the needs of others and our communities. We won’t always succeed, but we can keep returning to these values.

There are countless issues in the world that require our attention and care. For these, collective action is often necessary. We’re responsible toward these issues—not because we caused them (though sometimes we may be collectively complicit)—but because living out our values in community means we need to act.

In some situations, I hope we can release ourselves from feeling responsible for things beyond our control. In others, I hope we can feel empowered to be responsible toward the world and those around us.

— Renee Roederer

*The book is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on what it means to be present.

We’ve all experienced the mental load of juggling multiple needs —trying to stay on top of everything while feeling the weight of what’s coming next. It’s exhausting. For a long time, I believed multitasking was the way to stay ahead. But I’m beginning to see that it often pulls me away from being present.

So I’m shifting my approach. I’m working on being a tasker. One task at a time.

When I focus fully on what’s in front of me, I notice the mental clutter starts to fade. There’s a clarity that comes with giving my full attention to one thing, and it allows me to be truly present. Compartmentalizing isn’t about ignoring what’s next—it’s about not carrying it all at once. I’m learning that when I approach each task in its own time, I’m more engaged and less drained.

And sometimes, it’s important to be a non-tasker too—allowing myself to simply be, without the pressure of what’s next.

Bye, multitasking. Or at least, I hope to engage less of you. More tasking. And more non-tasking.

— Renee Roederer

— Photos by Renee Roederer

I found these hearts hanging on a tree while I was outside on a bike ride. I stopped to snap a photo. They say,

You Are Magnificent

Be

Magnificent for PURPOSE

“There’s a story here,” I thought. Someone wrote on these hearts with situations or needs in mind. Or they were created by a person who has been shaped by these words in particular ways.

And it was a decision to hang them outside for others to see while passing by.

There’s a story here.

— Renee Roederer

It’s okay to use the word disability. It’s a neutral word, not a negative word, to describe a common human experience.

And when it comes to culture and belonging in the larger disability community, I would suggest that it’s a great choice to use the word, including with pride. It doesn’t have to be avoided.

I heard NPR’s “Up First” podcast provide information about the Paralympic Games which had its Opening Ceremony yesterday, and I noticed that they never used the word disability once. They talked about certain experiences and conditions of disability (for instance, amputation and visual impairment) but I thought it was interesting that they never used the word itself. I don’t know how much of that was a deliberate choice, but the Paralympic Games seems like an apt context to use the word.

Whether this was intentional or not, I think it’s great for us to consider this again. We can say disability. It’s an okay word — and a good word for an important community.

— Renee Roederer