I was getting to know someone and was impressed with the breadth of her interests. I also noticed how much she lit up to talk about them. “You are a Renaissance person,” I said.
Then joyfully, she added, “Oh! And I go to Renaissance fairs!”
We laughed. Her delight was contagious.
I love how unique and particular we humans are. There are times when any one of us might want to hide that quirky interest, love, or hobby. But I’ve noticed that when people are willing to share these with joy, we appreciate their uniqueness and feel all the more comfortable to be who we are, too.
Don’t hide that fun hobby under a bushel basket. Please nerd out.
Last Monday, we initiated a series on attachment styles. I want to continue that today and also next week. If you missed last week’s post,I’d love for you to start there.You can learn, what are attachment styles? And how do they impact our internal feelings and relationships?
To recap a little, there are four primary attachment styles. There is the secure attachment style, and three insecure attachment styles — 1) anxious preoccupied, 2) fearful avoidant (also sometimes called disorganized or anxious-avoidant), and 3) dismissive avoidant. There is a great deal of psychological research around these, first championed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, and a lot of interest in recent years.
Attachment styles develop very early in life from ages 0-2. It may be hard to believe that experiences in our youngest years can impact our experiences in adulthood on such a deep level, but if we think about it, we do learn in this period how to trust (or not), how to self-sooth (or not), and what we can expect from others (or not), and since our bodies hold these patterns, it’s not surprising that these imprints would continue to impact us at the subconscious level until we make them conscious and work to heal them.
And we can all work to heal them. We can do work to move toward a secure attachment style.
Today, I’ll invite us to learn again from Thais Gibson, a therapist who has done tremendous work in these areas:
A curb with graffiti in black writing, “I like you.” I took this photo in Austin, Texas.
Both within my work, and beyond it, I spend a significant amount of time listening to people. It’s an honor and a privilege to hear how people are doing, sometimes in the deepest of places — what they need, how they feel, what they hope for, or if they’re struggling to hope, what they dream about, and what they’re committed to acting upon. I feel gratitude for this daily.
Also within my work, I spend a significant amount of time planning and implementing programs. In a season of a new year, this involves detailed work to get programs started and opportunities for grant writing.
If I may be honest with you, I completely overextended myself this week, and I truly did it to myself. I packed my schedule, and I moved back and forth between care needs and program planning needs without practicing ample self-care, something I’m typically very good at doing. I didn’t eat as well, sleep as well, or create enough space for down time. I paid for this physically and am now taking some time to change that.
But there was a moment that really stood out to me this week. In the midst of this, when talking with someone, I asked, “How can I, and how can we support you?”
This person answered, “Just be you.”
In all of the back and forth, in all of the gear shifting, and in all of the thinking about tasks and getting them ready, there was that reminder,
“Just be you.”
That’s important. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for, in times of stress and in times of joy, alike? Presence with people we love? Care from people who are uniquely themselves? Mirroring from people who can remind us that we are uniquely ourselves?
Being ourselves among people who are being themselves… and intentionally honoring both. . . With depth and simplicity, this is what much of the work is about, and this is what much of what the work is for.
Each time there is a new moon, marking a new month of the Jewish calendar, my dear friend Lucinda Kurtz writes a poetic prayer which is a call to reflection and action. I would like to share her words about the month of Shevat.
Just when despair almost overtakes us, when bullets and bombs bind our muscles constrict our bodies and bones, The new moon of Shevat appears inviting us to dig deep inside to find that nugget of faith witness it sprouting to reimagine the future.
In Shevat, we cross a threshold into a mysterious realm hidden within ourselves and the deep interior of trees. A stirring, even in frigid winter Sap begins to rise the new cycle begins.
On the full moon of Shevat, we celebrate New Year of the Trees. Renewal of life on fertile earth awakens to divine flow of vital energy from above Streaming from the cosmic Tree of Life down from roots in heaven to re-create the fragrant, blooming world minute by minute.
Can we return to the primal Garden repair our transgression find redemption savor sacred fruit nourishing and sweet?
In full view, we bless the holy apple to align ourselves with the Source of all Blessings to flourish and thrive.
Shevat is the month to reconstellate ourselves, Discover secrets we never knew, Delight in honeyed tastes of heavenly bliss, where all people are faces of the One.
— Lucinda Kurtz
Are there words, phrases, or images that resonate with you in a particular way?
The other day, I caught sight of a cardinal perched on a snowy tree limb outside my window. The vivid red color of the cardinal stood out in contrast to the white snow on the tree and on the ground. I found myself thinking about the common belief that when you have a cardinal sighting, you are experiencing a visit from a departed loved one.
Just for the record, to be clear, this is not something I believe literally. I don’t think Aunt Jane or Cousin Amos have taken up newfound, feathered existence as cardinals.
But symbols still have meaning. When I spotted this cardinal, I did feel a sense of connection. It invited me to reflect on people who have been important to me. I brought loved ones to to my mind and memory, and physically, I did feel a sense of love in that moment.
So the association was true, in a sense. The feeling of love and continued connection were definitely real, even if this is just a here-and-now, beautiful, but-not-mystical bird. We make meaning in these ways. We do this all the time.
Pink and purple, light-weighted cloth, draped over a tambourine.
In the Parables Community, we call these “spirit scarves.”
Once a month, I have the privilege of leading a spiritual reflection service with a community called Parables. This service is planned with, for, and by disabled and neurodivergent community members.
Have you ever been in a setting where people “Pass the Peace?”
We use these scarves to do the same. We exchange them with one another and invite that act to convey a deep sense of welcome and care. And this is a way to practice accessibility too. People can stay right where they are to exchange the scarves, or they can move around the space. People can hold onto their scarves, or they can exchange them many times with a lot of people. People can say words — “Hello,” “I’m [Name],” “How are you?” or “Peace be with you” — or people can be silent. People can exchange without eye contact, or people can exchange with eye contact.
It’s all welcome. It’s all exchange. It’s all peace. It’s all care.
Over the next few Mondays, I plan to share some resources that will allow us to learn about attachment styles. There are many wonderful YouTube channels, books, blogs, and podcasts on this topic, and I find them to be helpful as we consider how our relationships function, and how they, and we, can grow.
John Bowlby, a British psychologist and psychiatrist, is the pioneer on this research. He discovered that in early life, young human beings develop ways of attaching and detaching to caregivers in infancy and in toddlerhood, and these attachment styles continue to shape their relationships in the future. These patterns show up in all kinds of relationships, but especially in romantic partnerships and family connections, where attachment needs run the deepest and evoke both present emotional needs and past fears (often, unconscious).
There are four primary attachment styles. There is the secure attachment style, and three insecure attachment styles — 1) anxious preoccupied, 2) fearful avoidant (also sometimes called disorganized or anxious-avoidant), and 3) dismissive avoidant.
— People who are anxious preoccupied value closeness and tend to fear abandonment. — People who are dismissive avoidant value their space and independence and tend to fear engulfment in other people’s needs. — People who are fearful avoidant have a mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies, and they move back and forth between these needs and fears. For this reason, in relationships, they can move closer and farther away intermittently (literally and/or internally where there is a lot of back and forth second-guessing in relationships).
Two important things to remember: — While we all have a primary attachment style, each of these styles can be a spectrum too. People can simply lean anxious preoccupied, with fears triggered in times of stress. Or people can be dismissive avoidant, impacted by certain fears but still connected to relationships that are meaningful to them, rather than being deeply detached all the time. Or people can be fearful avoidant, but more secure because they’ve become aware of their patterns and worked to meet their needs and heal core wounds.
— No matter what attachment style we developed in early life, we can all work toward healing these fears and patterns. We can work toward having a secure attachment style. Sometimes this is called earned-secure (healed and developed in adulthood).
My favorite YouTube channel on attachment styles is Thais Gibson’s The Personal Development School. It’s also one of my favorite YouTube channels overall. So many wonderful things to learn!
Here is her introductory video about the four major attachment styles:
Smuggling Grace 