Image Description: A person is lifting up a baby who is wearing a superman costume. The baby is sticking out their tongu
I’ve been thinking about this more and more:
Every single person has a strength, gift, talent, or way of being in the world that comes so naturally to who they are — so much so, in fact, that it’s easy for them to forget it’s a strength, gift, talent, or way of being in the world. It’s just always a part of who they are.
And yet, when this gift turned in the direction of community with intention, it can be absolutely transformative. Every single person has a rare gift like this. In fact, probably more than one.
Due to the pressures around us, our task load, expectations (our own or others’) and a myriad of distractions, there are times when this rare gift gets put to the side; we’ll get to it when we have time for it, or when we’re practicing better care of ourselves.
But we can stay rooted in our rare gift. Our family and community benefits from our gift. The world needs to receive our best, rare gift.
Protect that rare gift.
Do what you can to honor it. After all, when you’re living in connection with it, you probably feel most alive, right? Howard Thurman used to say, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.”
Do what you can to make sure it gets time.
Do what you can to make sure it is addressing a larger purpose.
Do what you can to make sure that it gets care, and that you get care for yourself as the keeper of that gift. (And all that you are).
Image Description: Three hearts are carved out of wood and hanging by three wires. One is red, one is orange, and one is green.
Over the last few weeks, on three occasions, I have just happened to spot something really wonderful. While scrolling through social media, I’ve encountered three examples of connections that are very meaningful to me.
Specifically, I’ve spotted moments when my mentors have reached out intentionally to people I’ve mentored — asking how their week is going, expressing a desire to get coffee, and donating to their GoFundMe fundraiser. I’ve introduced these people to each other. They don’t live in the same places, but they are connected.
And I realize that we’re all a part of a generational structure of sorts, both by age and by mentoring. There’s a big sense of kinship in all of it.
Image Description: A comic by BJenny Montero. There is a turquoise background, and in the middle of the image, there are two concentric circles. The outer circle is a white band. The inner circle includes a number of animal characters — two birds, two alligators, a dog, and a worm using a wheelchair with a red and white checkered blanket over the worm’s lap. All the characters are smiling and looking in sightly different directions. In the middle of the inner circle, some text reads, “Sometimes I can’t make it on my own.” Then in the bottom right corner of the image, the text reads, “That’s OK!”
Independence is a value in Western cultures, but… independence is also a myth.
I’ve just finished reading the transcript of a powerful address by Mia Mingus, a disability justice activist whose work I greatly admire. Her remarks are entitled, “Access Intimacy, Interdependence and Disability Justice” and were given as the 2017 Paul K. Longmore Lecture on Disability Studies at San Francisco State University.
Within those remarks, she says this:
“Access should be happening in service of our larger goals of building interdependence and embracing need, because this is such a deep part of challenging ableism and the myth of independence. The myth of independence is the idea that we can and should be able to do everything on our own and, of course, we know that that’s not true. Someone made the clothes you’re wearing now, your shoes, your car or the mass transit system you use; we don’t grow all our own food and spices. We can’t pretend that what happens in this country doesn’t affect others, or that things like clean air and water don’t bound us all together. We are dependent on each other, period. The myth of independence reflects such a deep level of privilege, especially in this rugged individualistic capitalist society and produced the very idea that we could even mildly conceive of our lives or our accomplishments as solely our own. And of course, the other side of this is not just that it’s not true—not just that the emperor has no clothes, but that everyone else should pretend he’s fully clothed too. So, the Myth of Independence is not just about the truth of being connected and interdependent on one another; it is also about the high value that gets placed on buying into the myth and believing that you are independent; and the high value placed on striving to be independent, another corner stone of the ableist culture we live in.
“Interdependence moves us away from the myth of independence, and towards relationships where we are all valued and have things to offer. It moves us away from knowing disability only through ‘dependence,’ which paints disabled bodies as being a burden to others, at the mercy of able-bodied people’s benevolence. We become charity cases, a way for able bodied people to feel better about themselves and we in turn, internalize our sense of being a burden, sad, and tragic. All of this sets up a dynamic where disabled people feel like we have to be ‘liked’ in order to receive basic daily access to live and where able bodied people feel entitled to receive praise and recognition for providing access. This is not access intimacy and this dynamic of disabled people being ‘dependent’ on able bodied people shapes so many disabled people’s lives and is the foundation upon which so much domination, control, violence and abuse happens.”
We are dependent upon one another.
We all need care from others.
We all have care to offer to others.
We all have need.
What if we embraced this? What if we created relational intimacy around this? What if we received more freely and fully from others? What if we gave more freely and fully among others who are also giving and receiving more freely and fully?
When I was training to be a pastor, I spent a summer working as a hospital chaplain in a CPE program. CPE stands for Clinical Pastoral Education. It teaches skills for ministry that are used in hospitals and hospice programs, and it provides a learning community where all participants collectively explore the ways their life journeys have shaped them with strengths and growing edges. It is a valuable experience.
During one of our early CPE group sessions, we had an opportunity to tell our life stories and the ways that faith has shaped us. In the midst of telling these stories, one of my cohort members spoke a sentence that intrigued me. I found it to be quite beautiful. As she described a conversion experience, she said, “On that day, I adopted the Christian narrative to myself.” Years later, I do not want to assume all that she meant in that sentence, but I interpreted her words mean that as she received this story, she added her decision to let this Christian narrative mark her life.
I love that sentence: Today, I adopt the Christian narrative to myself.
I’m remembering this again because in our current American context, many cultural pockets of “Christianity” claim this religion and tradition but are greatly out of step with the Christian narrative itself.
What does it mean to adopt this Christian narrative toward ourselves? To keep living the story… To keep having the story written upon our lives… to love the neighbors in the story… and to love today’s neighbors? — those who are made to be outsiders, and lepers, and sex workers, and widows, and tax collectors?
Perhaps that narrative needs to be claimed and made alive right now.
Image Description: Two cupped hands meet together to form the shape of a heart. The person is wearing a sweater with blue sleeves. In the foreground at the bottom left, there are large rocks, forming a cliff. In the distance are blue water and mountains.
Every body is a good body.
Every body is a worthy-of-love body.
Every body is a worthy-of-care body.
Every body is a worthy-of-resources body.
Every body is a worthy-of-taking-up-space body.
Every body is a worthy-of-dignity body.
Every body is a worthy-of-connection body.
Every body is a worthy-of-self-expression body.
Every body is a worthy-of-advocacy body.
Every body is a worthy-of-self-determination body.
Image Description: The word ‘language’ in a dictionary.
In the English language, we have one primary word for love. Just… Love. There are certainly synonyms and words that expand upon it, but we typically use one word while other languages are a bit more expansive.
I’ve decided that it would be wonderful if these kinds of experiences and feelings of love had names:
— There’s a wonderful feeling of discovering that you are known in your specificity and loved in your limitations, and that without saying anything, people anticipate and accommodate what you need, including barriers that might be challenging for you.
I’ve experienced that. That’s love. I wish it had its own name.
— There’s a wonderful feeling of discovering that people think about things and frame things in particular ways because they’ve internalized stories you have told, and when they reveal this to you, there’s a beautiful surprise of recognizing that they have internalized pieces of you, just as you have internalized pieces of them.
I’ve experienced that. That’s love. I wish it had its own name.
— There’s a wonderful feeling of discovering you have commonality with a person, that simply being in their presence returns you to a part of yourself, a piece you didn’t even know was missing.
I’ve experienced that. That’s love. I wish it had its own name.
–There’s a wonderful feeling of discovering that people now see you — really see you in some of your more challenging moments — not in an exposed way but in an expansive and affirming way, demonstrating a recognition that you have suffered and prevailed, and showing you a surprising amount of compassion, awe, and respect.
I’ve experienced that. That’s love. I wish it had its own name.
Image Description: A wall hanging in the shape of a heart reads, “Home Sweet Home.”
Today’s piece is re-post from March 21, 2018. It was written after I attended the “Why Christian?” conference in Durham, North Carolina. These themes have been with me in renewed ways over the last few days, and I intend to write in these directions for the rest of the week. I love this language of Radical Homemaking. I also love my own calling as a Radical Homemaker. How does this resonate with you?
What could be possible if we put joy at the center?
For me, this question is connected to Radical Homemaking, and it has been energizing me since I’ve returned home after spending much of last week in Durham, North Carolina. I visited very beloved folks there and then attended the Why Christian Conference.
Some context…
The name of the Why Christian conference is actually pretty apt. Organized by Nadia Bolz-Weber and Rachel Held Evans, the conference invited eight incredible women to give testimony, answering these questions:
“Why, in the wake of centuries of corruption, hypocrisy, crusades, televangelists, and puppet ministries do we continue to follow Jesus? Why, amidst all the challenges and disappointments, do we still have skin in the game? It’s a question that may take a lifetime to answer, but we hope the next two days inspire you to wrestle with it in some new and fresh ways.”
All of the stories were remarkably powerful and compelling. They weren’t crafted to convince people of anything, or move to some sort of ‘or else,’ grand conclusion, as many of us have experienced in fire-and-brimstone churches. These were life testimonies of experience, speaking to deep conviction, love, and joy, and that took place right alongside stories of honesty, confession, loss, trauma, and vulnerability.
The piece that impacted me the most was one of the breakout sessions. I attended a session with the Rev. Amy Campbell, pastor of the BeLoved Community in Asheville. This session was called, “The Radical Art of Making Home.” “What if our primary vocation as humans is to make home?” she asked. Over these last years, she has been making home together with people who are acquainted with the painful experiences of homelessness. The BeLoved Community is an intentional community in a house in Asheville. People worship, share meals, sleep, build friendships, and beautifully celebrate one another — especially making space for people who have no shelter or people who are estranged from a sense of home in one way or another.
Radical Homemaking. . . I can’t begin to tell you how much this spoke to me. In my own context, I feel like this framework names the calling that energizes me as well.
What does it mean to be at home. . . . . . in our bodies? . . . in our selves? . . . in our relationships? . . . in connection to the Sacred? . . . in the ways we organize our communities? . . . in the beautiful broadening of kinship-belonging? . . . in the ways we shape family and choose family? . . . in the cultivation of space (including literal homes) for hospitality and nurture? . . . in the inclusion of people (or perhaps, parts of ourselves) that feel estranged from home in one way or another?
Radical Homemaking. . . Radical: meaning, of, relating to, proceeding from a root. . . Last week, I found myself pondering this so much. This is newer language for what I know has been calling me all along.
So that brings us back here: What could be possible if we put joy at the center?
Radical Homemaking is one of my deepest joys. And I have returned home with such deep awareness that I need to put this calling and joy right at the center. Giving and receiving from this framework, I wonder what is possible?
As we move through this time of upheaval and pandemic, this is an important time to learn about trauma and the responses that our nervous systems often take in response. When we’re feeling overwhelmed, we can move into states of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. We might also vacillate between a couple of these.
In addition to these becoming activated due to present circumstances,
— some people have endured past traumas as well, and these can become reactivated in our nervous systems in these ways,
and/or
— some people have lived in environments that were generally anxious or non-nurturing for long periods of time.
Trauma and post-traumatic symptoms don’t always emerge as memories. They nearly always emerge as a reaction or set of reactions.
Here is an image from @ryantheholistichealthcoach:
It reads…
Flight Workaholic Over-Thinker Anxiety, panic OCD Difficulty sitting still Perfectionist
Fight Anger outburst Controlling “The bully” Narcissistic Explosive behaviour
Freeze Difficulty making decisions Stuck Dissociation Isolating Numb
Fawn People pleaser Lack of identity No boundaries Overwhelmed Codependent
Which reaction pathways tend to be primary for you?
Do you recognize these patterns in yourself or your loved ones? They are natural and do truly discharge traumatic energy. Our bodies have them because we need them at times. But we don’t want to become stuck in them. That causes larger problems for us. These patterns may spin out, causing us pain, and impacting our relationships.
But we can heal these patterns with somatic therapy and personal and relational care, and we can do the work of healing the systems that cause so much trauma in the first place. I love how the word ‘heal’ is both passive and active at once. We receive healing and cultivate it over time, and we can act as healers for a world with less trauma.
Years ago, I attended a Thanksgiving dinner with no mashed potatoes. Gasp! Clutch the pearls! No mashed potatoes. And I love mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving.
Now I’m sure if we went around the room, we could probably all name a favorite dish that we enjoy at Thanksgiving or some other holiday meal altogether — the kind of dish we cannot imagine that meal without. And I’m just curious what yours would be.
For me, it is mashed potatoes. I pile them high every single…
This image reads, “Coronavirus — 1 in 500 Americans have died of covid,” The Washington Post.
This is a heartbreaking statistic shared by The Washington Post, and I don’t think we’ve had many, if any, ways to honor this intense level of collective grief.
And in addition to this number, an even larger number of people have long term symptoms and disabling impacts.
The grief is deeply personal for those who have lost a loved one. And for all of us, it is broad, sweeping, and collective. This trauma is a part of our lives.
We can pause and remember people.
We can slow down.
We can reach out to loved ones.
We can cry.
We can express anger.
We can share words of kindness and tenderness with one another.
We are all impacted by this. Some people and families are upended by this. Let’s pause, remember, and honor them today.
Image Description: A solid oak dining room table with chairs. A green candle and vase of yellow alstroemeria flowers are on the table.
Smuggling Grace 