Smuggling Grace

-Photos by Renee Roederer

A reading recommendation for your morning:

How Mr. Rogers Saved My Life by Beth Usher

When we were closing up a Zoom, a wise, sage elder who I love and respect said,

“Can I say something as we finish?”

She then quoted Belva Davis, the first Black woman to become a news anchor on the West Coast.

“Don’t be afraid of the distance between your dreams and reality.”

I sat with that quote, and I knew that multiple people on the screen were applying her words to situations in their lives. So today, I want to pass those words onto you if they resonate with anything in particular:

“Don’t be afraid of the distance between your dreams and reality.”

–Renee Roederer

Spring is in March, and
Today is March.

🙂

@brittanyfinkelstein

If part of how you measure your self-worth and your identity depends on your exhaustion, you will always struggle to rest. #workburnout #burnout #perfectionism

♬ original sound – Brit • Work Stress Coach 🧟→🌟

As we’ve been moving through forms of upheaval, including a global pandemic, this is an important time to learn about trauma and the responses that our nervous systems often take in response. When we’re feeling overwhelmed, we can move into states of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. We might also vacillate between a couple of these.

In addition to these becoming activated due to present circumstances,

— some people have endured past traumas as well, and these can become reactivated in our nervous systems in these ways,

and/or

— some people have lived with dysregulated nervous systems throughout much their lives, not necessarily remembering large, traumatic events in childhood, but rather, growing up in households that felt stressful and overwhelming in a generalized way. In these households, it was difficult to have needs cared for and nurtured, or caregivers may have also had dysregulated nervous systems, making it difficult to co-regulate alongside them.

In both of these instances, people may live with symptoms of PTSD or CPTSD (the C stands for complex and means that the traumatic events or environment was long-lasting).

In a moment, I’m going to list symptoms of the 4F pathways of trauma. You may recognize some of these in yourself or your loved ones. Please know that these don’t have to remain stuck or static in the body, and we don’t have to stay stuck or static in these patterns. There is help. Therapy certainly helps, and it’s okay to seek that help. In fact, it can be transformative. There are a variety of somatic therapies that help to heal our bodies and these patterns. (As just one example, I’m a big cheerleader for EMDR. Check it out.)

These are the 4Fs of trauma and PTSD. Which pathways tend to be primary for you? I am typing out the text of the image above.

Fight

• Self-preservation at all costs
• Explosive temper and outbursts
• Aggressive, angry behavior
• Controls others
• Bully
• Can’t ‘hear’ other points of view
• A pronounced sense of entitlement
• Demands perfection from others
• Dictatorial tendencies

Typically mis-labelled as
– Narcissist
– Sociopath
– Conduct disorder

Flight

• Obsessive and/or compulsive behavior
• Feelings of panic and anxiety
• Rushing around
• Over-worrying
• Workaholic
• Can’t sit still, can’t relax
• Tries to micromanage situations and other people
• Always ‘on the go;’ busy doing things
• Wants things to be perfect
• Over-achiever

Typically mis-labelled as
– OCD
– Bipolar
– ADHD
– Panic disorder
– Mood Disorder

Freeze

• Spacing out
• Feeling unreal
• Hibernating
• Isolating self from the outside world
• Couch potato
• Dissociates
• Brain Fog
• Difficulties making decisions, acting on decisions
• Achievement-phobic
• Wants to hide from the world
• Feels ‘dead,’ lifeless

Typically mis-labelled as
– Clinical depression
– Schizophrenia
– ADD
– OCD

Fawn

• People pleasing
• Scared to say what they really think
• Talks about ‘the other’ instead of themselves
• Flatters others (to avoid conflict)
• ‘Angel of mercy’
• Over-caring
• Sucker
• Can’t stand up for the self, say ‘no’
• Easily exploited by others
• Hugely concerned with social standing and acceptance, ‘fitting in’
• ‘Yes’ man (or woman…)

Typically mis-labelled as
– Codependent
– ‘Victim’

Do you recognize these patterns in yourself or your loved ones? They are natural and do truly discharge traumatic energy. Our bodies have them because we need them at times. But we don’t want to become stuck in them. That causes larger problems for us. These patterns may spin out, causing us pain, and impacting our relationships.

But we can heal these patterns, and we can do the work of healing the systems that cause so much trauma in the first place. I love how the word ‘heal’ is both passive and active at once. We receive healing and cultivate it over time, and we can act as healers for a world with less trauma.

—Renee Roederer

-Photos by Renee Roederer

I’ve written about this before, but I often think about this phase and organizing vision I learned from adrienne maree brown: Don’t live/serve/act/organize in a way that is a “mile wide and an inch deep.” Let your work and vision be “an inch wide and a mile deep.”

When we think about our sense of calling and purpose, we don’t have to do or be all things. (Also, we can’t). But if we go deep with one vision or a few interconnected visions, we can build communities with great depth.

And then if we take that further, we might also ponder this:
If a community is formed and organized for one thing, they’ll also be organized for more things.

These days, in my role as Community Care Director for the Epilepsy Foundation of Michigan, I’m going deep with the epilepsy community in Michigan. If they can become more interconnected and organized around this aspect of their lives and its needs, won’t they also be organized for other things too? Ways of adding care when it comes to food, housing, and safety? Ways of adding encouragement around their relationships? Ways of making larger meaning in this era of time? Ways of addressing systemic inequalities? Ways of saying no to injustice? Ways of caring intentionally for one another’s multifaceted needs?

If a community is formed and organized for one thing, they’ll also be organized for more things.

–Renee Roederer

That tiny thing you’re great at. . . is a big deal. Really. When shared with others purposefully and resourcefully, it catalyzes change. So what is it?

– Do you have an ability that seems tiny only because it comes so naturally to you?

– Do you engage with it regularly to the point that it doesn’t seem like a real gift?

– Do you forget to marvel at it because it seems so routine or easy?

Well, that’s a gift you need to put into the world. Purposefully.

That’s a gift that seeks greater expression in your community, neighborhood, nation, and world.

These days, when we see the great needs and concerns around us, or when we find ourselves anxious needs and concerns to come, we can become absolutely overwhelmed. Our meager work and purposeful sharing can seem. . . well, tiny. It may feel that way, but. . .

That tiny thing? Do not underestimate what it can do.

– When placed strategically with the gifts of others, it can become organized change. What resources can you bring uniquely — money, connections, abilities? Some of which come so naturally to you? Do all you can to make those things fit with the leadership and commitment of others. Look purposefully for where they can be placed alongside the great work that is already happening. Your tiny gift will easily multiply.

That tiny thing? Do not underestimate what it can do.

– When launched into the world with intention, that tiny thing may add a level of care that increases relational safety. Even if only for a moment, it matters. In this current climate, I find that many people are exhausted, anxious, or feeling isolated in one way or another. Your tiny thing in a tiny moment may serve as a reminder of human worth and connection. It may provide a needed boost which encourages others to put their gifts into the world too.

So what is it? What is that tiny thing?

In actuality, it might not be so tiny.

–Renee Roederer

Would you please join me and my community in lifting up my colleague and friend, Dr. Hussam Shaker?

This level of grief is so hard to fathom:

Dr. Hussam is an epileptologist and the chair of neurology at Mercy Health in Grand Rapids, Michigan. And he lost 20 family members in the earthquakes in Turkey and Syria… Such deep and all-encompassing grief… And after the earthquakes two weeks ago, another 6.3-magnitude earthquake rocked the very same region yesterday. Many people have lost whole families, and of course, their homes and resources.

This news story shares about Dr. Shaker, and these losses, and it encourages us to give to relief efforts. Would you consider giving a donation to the White Helmets who are doing this work?

To give: https://www.whitehelmets.org/en/

Thank you. So much pain in our world, and so much need for care.

–Renee Roederer